Vicarious trauma is a phenomenon well-known to those of us who repeatedly listen to the stories of people who have experienced traumatic events. Most of us have been taught that one of our most valuable gifts is to listen empathically, to put ourselves in the other’s shoes, to walk a mile etc. One of the tenets of reflective listening is to listen for the meaning – often the emotional impact – of what is being said in order to reflect it back to the person so they know they are being heard and can, in effect, hear themselves.

Empathic awareness is highly valued and draws on our empathic parts. These parts are essential for our early survival and may correspond to the mirror neurons in the brain. For an enlightening presentation on the function of mirror neurons please watch this brief (10 minute) video by Jeremy Rifkin, for a text article on empathy I recommend this one on mirrored emotion by Jean Decety, University of Chicago. If indeed our primary drive is to belong then empathic responses facilitate that belonging. By 2 1/2 we are capable of what he calls “mature empathy”; the ability to recognise that I feel as someone else does. I suspect that the empathic parts are fully developed by about 7 years old, after the massive cognitive spurt that signals our development beyond the more egocentric stages of infancy and childhood.

Empathic parts help us to make friends, manage our parents, engage in social interaction, cry at movies and connect with others in meaningful ways. When these parts are impaired in some way, such as occurs with individuals with a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, social connectivity becomes more difficult to achieve.

So from an evolutionary perspective our empathic parts are extraordinarily helpful. And indeed if we were still living in the social groupings of maybe five generations ago or so, our empathic parts would be very useful in responding to the rare crisis event that might befall a family member or the clan or tribe. Back then if a child died in an accident then probably all those connected to the grieving family would offer some way to help. Under these circumstances our empathic parts can step into their own and mobilise the rest of the system to help.

But today most of us are a long way from living under such circumstances. Just as we centralise our food shopping experience, so too do we compartmentalise our caring. “Trauma? Abuse? Well we’d prefer that you don’t talk about it but if you go to the counsellor then I’m sure they can help you.” Instead of a small community of people rallying support for an individual or family in deep distress, the counsellor or therapist, or more accurately the empathic parts of the counsellor or therapist, are exposed to stories of sometimes unimaginable pain and suffering, day after day after day. This barrage of human misery and horror can overwhelm the empathic part and this results in the familiar conditions of burnout and compassion fatigue which I would suggest is more accurately termed “empathic part overload”.

There are other concerns about the over utilization of empathic parts besides overwhelm. As a counsellor listens to stories of abuse and neglect they may find parts of their own system triggered and then their own protective parts might take the lead. Empathic parts are closely connected to “fix it” parts. These well-intentioned “fix it” parts may project out the response to “fix” the distressed part of the counsellor by offering advice based on their empathic part’s responses. The advice provided by the counsellor/therapist then supports the belief held by a part of the client that they can’t find their own solutions but need to rely on someone else and so the “fixing” paradoxically reinforces a belief in helplessness.

Thankfully there is a solution to the problem of empathic overwhelm. When we can acknowledge our empathic parts and thank them for the amazing work they do then they may be willing to stand down, or perhaps job-share with us. As we ask them to do this they will probably have concerns about the other person not being sufficiently understood, helped or cared for (after all, these empathic parts have been doing their work, and doing it well, for a very long time). Assuring them that we hear their concerns and asking them to partner with us as we bring our compassion to the other may invite them to recognise that they, and their “fix it” allies can perhaps take a break.

As I scour the net I see many definitions of compassion and compassionate witnessing so let me be clear on how I am using it.

The stance of the compassionate witness says: “I see, feel and hear you. I will not abandon this connection with you. I will not seek to change, nor deny your truth. In your experience of the unbearable you will be connected to me and through me.”

Compassion is boundless because it is not bounded within the personality system. Compassion cannot be overwhelmed nor become ‘fatigued”. Compassion is a limitless resource. And the way compassion heals is by manifesting the willingness to stay connected, no matter what horror is being presented. When a counsellor/therapist/human being manifests compassion in this way in the light of another’s suffering they invite the other to mobilise their own compassion and bring it to their own suffering parts so that they get heard and may be healed (unburdened). Empathic parts may point the way to the connection, fixers can stand aside, and compassionate connection then facilitates the shift that brings the healing. Lorne Ladner, author of The Lost Art of Compassion: Discovering the Practice of Happiness in the Meeting of Buddhism and Psychology” offers this understand of compassion from her essay:Positive Psychology and the Buddhist Path of Compassion

“the expression of simple human compassion is healing in and of itself. By developing deep, powerful feelings of compassionate connection with others… we can learn to live meaningful and joyful lives. Only such feelings can help us to learn experientially how to… give of ourselves without becoming exhausted or burnt out-such feelings of joyful compassion teach us how taking care of others is actually a supreme method for taking care of ourselves. “